


Behind the smile

by Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6213676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sacrifice is the ultimate offering of love. Suicide is the ultimate form of grief. Sanity makes the difference, but where is the line drawn?<br/>Shisui-centric, Shi-Ita depending on how you read into it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind the smile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FluffyIsEmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyIsEmo/gifts).



> Request from my bestest. (Was actually more of a demand xD). This was a beast, just so you know, love.   
> Song used; Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier
> 
> Edit; Okay well Every time I try to fix this story I just get frustrated and irritated so it's just going to stay how it is and I'm gonna pretend it doesn't exist.  
> I started writing this with an idea in y head that I was really excited about and somehow ended up with something entirely different that I don't really like, but maybe you all will, and fuck if I ever have any time or patience to actually sit down and fix it... Stupid brain of mine, enjoy.

  
_When I was a child, I heard voices..._  
_Some would sing and some would scream._  
_You soon learn you have few choices._  
_I learned the voices died with me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

No one knows what goes on in someone's head. When you're lucky, in this world... You might find someone who comes close. But there are always those times when you don't dare speak, when you couldn't if you wanted, and you wouldn't want to anyway.  
It doesn't take much to hide it, fear is a powerful, powerful thing. Secrets are easy to keep if it means you stay alive, though in an existence like that most wonder if its worth it.  
The only thing more powerful than fear is trust. Faith in the goodness of another person. Men will follow a good leader blindly, straight into their death, and never think twice... Or even at all really.  
Because trust exists on willpower and belief, it bypasses knowledge. Knowledge causes fear, as they say; 'Ignorance is bliss.' Ignorance is different, because ignorance simply has no knowledge. Trust, co-exists with it. For example; "I know you could kill me, but I trust you." So trust, therefore, is fearless, even in the wake of knowledge. It's one of the strongest forces in the universe.  
It seems easy, doesn't it? Pretty black and white... But no one knows what goes on inside someone else's head, no matter how you try...

 

 

 

 

 

_When I was a child I'd sit for hours,_  
_Staring into open flame._  
_Something in it had a power,_  
_Could barely tear my eyes away._

 

 

 

 

With a family like mine, and a history like theirs. (Theirs, not mine... ours maybe... but not mine.) Its not easy to gain trust. The thing about belief in a person's goodness is that the previous badness of all said persons predecessors tips the scale in a drastically uneven proportion. Trust, unlike fear, is not easy to gain unless you start with a clean slate and unfortunately in all the vastly simplistic complications that exist within humanity, badness, the breaking of trust and the misuse of fear, is remembered loooong after the human that caused it is gone, leaving it to be burdened to the next generations.  
My family is a large and proud one, with a mountain of mistrust for me to work through. They've closed themselves off, locked themselves away for the sake of their pride.  
'We are Uchiha. We are unique. We are better." From what others see, their cynical glares and disapproving glances. Too much badness is remembered, because pain is easy, hate is easy, trust is hard.  
So with every passing day I try, pebble by pebble, to break this mountain down, only to watch them line up behind me with boulders on their crooked backs.... My effort is wasted. But... goodness comes at a price, just like everything else. That's why it is so trusted. Because the sheer amount of goodness it takes to be trusted is enough to prevent anyone who dare try to falsely portray it from succeeding. You must be true in your intentions or it is nearly impossible...

 

 

 

 

 

_When I was sixteen my senses fooled me._  
_Thought gasoline was on my clothes._  
_I knew something would always rule me._  
_...I knew this sin was mine alone._

 

 

 

 

 

I learned in these battles, just how hard it is to be good. Just what kind of willpower it takes. The fight NEVER ceases, there is no rest. It's easy at first, of course it is, everything is easy at first to those who lack the knowledge of it. You train, become steadily stronger, nothing on your mind but how you will change the world, or your world at least. But sometimes bad things have to be done... and then you must calculate carefully how to accomplish these things in a way that they can be reasoned as good. Do a bad thing to stop a bad man from doing bad things, even though you did a bad thing, you are still good. And no one sees in your head, in those times when you don't dare speak.  
The thoughts, the feelings, the struggle, the fear... and bad, bad thoughts.  
Maybe you enjoyed it. His expression, haunting, beautiful. All the emotion in those eyes. Life was here, a soul was here. A tainted soul, consumed by darkness. But look at those eyes! You committed an evil act, snuffing the flame of life.... For the sake of good! This is good! You are good.  
You've killed a man... And stopped his badness! You ended his life.... You saved so many! But who did you save? The family that has damned you with their badness, that fights you every step of the way. They are only lost, defeated in these battles. Because its so incredibly hard to be good...  
They are safe now, one bad man's sacrifice to save a hundred others. Does that make him good? Perhaps he intended to do the very same as you. You horrible person, he only wanted to save those he loved from your evil bloodline. He did a bad thing to do a good thing as you've done a bad thing for the sake of goodness. But you enjoyed it, maybe... And no one will know.  
Trust could not be gained through inaction and if it were not good there would be no trust gained and look at the big boulder I've rolled from the mountain. This must be good... You must be good. But look at those eyes... look at YOURS!  
I understood then. Exactly at what point everything had gone wrong with my family. It's so easy, to let it consume you, to feel the rush, to hear those little voices telling you everything could be yours, that humans are so fragile... it barely takes anything at all... it's terrifying.

They see you smiling, they see confidence, their trust rises. You don't let them see that it lurks there within you too. You cannot fight what's in you, what you are made of. But it can be hidden. Trust is fearless, I must not be afraid. If I am to be trusted, I must trust as well. Not them, no. But myself, at the very least.  
So keep smiling, show confidence, never falter. You did a bad thing with good intentions, that is their favorite thing to see. But now there is blood on your hands, no good comes of that.  
With every success, the climb gets harder. New challenges that you must scrutinize, every last detail. You think and think and think in that head of yours, rationalizing, reasoning... Just excuses really... But comfort none the less. Trust is stronger than fear, you are afraid but... To gain trust you must give it. "I am good. This is for goodness." I've told myself. But they don't know. I see only the blood on my hands... You might have enjoyed it. Just think. Think, think, think. For the greater good, nothing stands in your way but blood. It was so easy, look how they see you. You are good, so good. They love you, they trust you. But look at your eyes...  
So no more. My family, lost as they are, they want blood because of the fear. But trust is fearless, they don't have to be afraid, because I am good, and they can trust. No more blood, no more...

 

 

 

 

 

_When I was a man I thought it ended,_  
_When I knew love's perfect ache._

 

 

 

 

I've learned in these hard battles, nothing is pointless. Everything has meaning, but just what, exactly, it is is never clear. Nothing and no one is simple, because everything is perception. Good and bad are opinions. Opinions are affected by knowledge. Knowledge causes fear. Fear doubts trust. Trust a comrade, you still could die. Trust an enemy, you still might live. It's hard to trust, because of fear. I don't want to be feared, my family is feared, the way they like it. But they can't see the problem, they don't know what they're missing. They're not bad people, they just don't know. So no, I don't want to be feared, I want to be trusted. But trust is not simple either. There's so many different kinds of trust. They trust me to be good, but not only good, because they don't know what goodness is. They trust me to be loyal, and so I will be. I will be loyal to them, and also myself. They trust me to be good, but my goodness could kill me. They don't trust me not to be killed... 'A problem cannot be permanently solved unless you destroy the creator.' is what they say. Because it's the easy way, easy and fast. It's too hard to be good, It's impossible for those trying to fake it, but not for me. I will find a way, I will not add rocks to that mountain. No more blood.  
Self-sacrifice. It's the only way. Don't be afraid, I won't let anyone hurt you, I won't let anyone hurt me. Trust is strong, so strong once it's there. Each step gets harder, but you also grow stronger, wiser. Keep learning, keep thinking. Always thinking, stuck in your own head. Don't doubt, doubt is fear. Trust is fearless. I'm not afraid, I can't be, I am good. I will always be good, and I won't doubt because this is my family. They aren't bad, they just have no one to trust... And its so easy. Feel the anger, feed the hatred, save yourself. And don't worry about me, I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll show you the way. I'll find a way and save you.  
Its exhausting, carrying all of this alone. But trust does not come easily, and I still have a mountain to tear down. When no one can see in your head, when no one knows, or sees what you are, what you're trying to do, why you have to do it, even though you don't... you don't have to, but that's the point. Be selfless, because you want to. It's hard, the hardest thing I've ever done, because anger and hate are easy, that's why this mountain is so big, but I won't stop.  
Well, when you're lucky in this world, you might find someone who comes close. Keep smiling, be confident, no one can see, but that someone can see anyway. Only shadows, and outlines, but more than anyone else.  
That is Itachi.

 

 

_But my peace has always depended_  
_on all the ashes in my wake._

 

 

Fear is a powerful, powerful thing. The only thing stronger than fear is trust.  
Trust doesn't require love, only faith and belief in a persons goodness. But when combined, they are unstoppable. It's the hardest fight, in life, to both love and trust one single person. You are lucky if you find someone to love. You are lucky if you find someone to trust. You are legendary if you have both.  
He worries, Itachi does. Always with that concern of his. He is good, I know he is. He struggles as I do, the same struggles. But he is still afraid, which prevents trust. He has been through so much, had so much taken from him, withheld from him. He is a seeker of knowledge, which is good. That mind of his is endless, and I always wonder about the things he doesn't say. He loves history, well no, that's not right. History is his hobby, seeing past mistakes, knowing how to avoid the same ones, recognizing the signs, being prepared. And he see's them, he see's them everywhere and thinks in that mind of his and never lets anyone see just like me. I can see anyway, only vague outlines and shadows, but more than anyone else. He is afraid because he knows, and because he knows, he cannot trust.  
But he has so much love. Look at his eyes, you can see his heart from a mile away. Make him smile, look at it. His heart is too big, and surrounded with the cold stones of our family, raised and ready to be thrown... and he is afraid.  
But we're the same, he and I. We were always the same, walking down the same path. It's hard to fear yourself when you have someone you trust to assure you not to be afraid. Others trust because of what they see, because of what they don't see. Itachi see's, and trusts anyway. We are the same.

 

 

_All you have is your fire._

 

 

But things change. Good things end, bad things happen. You stand strong, fight with all your power. Some people are better at it, not stronger, just more equipped, sometimes just luckier. Each battle gets harder, trickier. Life finds new ways to break you, you find new ways to survive, not realizing that you've been broken.  
Itachi killed a man. One at first, then several more.  
It changed nothing. He is loyal, and full of love. He loves his family, he loves the village. An act done of love can't be a bad one. He was revered and trusted anyway. He did what was right. I support him, as he does me, though our paths go farther and farther apart, though his fear grows heavier. I trust him, I trust his goodness, as he does mine. Because nothing is simple, because no one can see in your head, because it is so hard to be good, because there are no instructions on living.  
It changed everything.  
We were suddenly on the brink of war.

 

 

 

 

_And the place you need to reach._

 

 

 

 

Keep smiling, show confidence, don't let them see. Don't be afraid, I won't let anyone harm you, and I won't let anyone harm me. Trust, and love. You will not buckle, you haven't broken, I will not let you doubt. You can trust me, I will always trust you.  
Anger is easy. Hatred is easy. It is so... so hard to be good. It's impossible unless you are true... and sometimes even then. Hate swallows you. It makes you blind. My family is not bad, they are misguided, they have good intentions, but they cannot see. They have picked a false enemy, anger has disguised it.  
I no longer need trust from them. I can trust in myself now, I know how to fight the darkness, I know how to evade the curse of hatred. They will go against me, but only because they are afraid. I'll show them, even if they fight, that they can trust me. That no one will harm them, not any of them, not anyone. They aren't bad for doing bad things, They've just had no one to trust. They are bad things for the sake of goodness, the greater good. No harm will come to anyone, I'm strong enough now, I have the two most powerful forces in the universe.

 

 

 

 

_Don't you ever tame your demons._

 

 

 

 

"Oh c'mon. Don't give me that look." He looks up, it's still there, the fear. He's so afraid, he's terrified. No one else can see it, he doesn't let them, but I can. So much doubt, so much distrust, so much love, and so much fear.  
I will take them from you, I will take all of those from everyone. You can trust me, I'll always protect you. I will protect everyone, no matter the cost.

  
"Remember, this is you and me that we're talking about Itachi."

  
Keep smiling, be confident, never falter. You are human, as am I. You may fear them, you may fear safety, you may fear for others... You may even fear yourself. But don't you ever fear for me. Don't you ever doubt my goodness, don't you ever doubt my love. Don't you ever stop trusting. Trust me, trust yourself, just trust. There is nothing stronger. It's hard, harder than anything that anyone has ever done. And I'm terrified too, but you won't know, you'll never know. Don't be afraid, not for me.

  
"So don't worry. It'll be fine."

  
Every challenge gets harder. Life finds new ways to break you, you find new ways to survive. No one can ever see what's in your head, and words don't always match what you're trying to say. You see anyway, I hope you see... Life can't break me, I'm not broken, because I believe. I trust you, I love you.

  
Because trust exists on willpower and belief, it bypasses knowledge. Knowledge causes fear, as they say; 'Ignorance is bliss.' Ignorance is different, because ignorance simply has no knowledge. Trust, co-exists with it. It seems so simple, but... nothing is.

  
There's no way of knowing what's in someone else's head. You can only trust...

 

 

 

 

 

 

_But always keep them on a leash._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally was supposed to be about showing a side of Shisui no one knew about, how he struggled with not turning to the dark side (excuse the turn of phrase lol) like all his ancestors and whatnot, and how it sort of ended up driving him a little crazy and though he killed himself to save his village, he also was happy to do it to escape, if you understand what I'm saying.  
> Didn't turn out anything like that but I know I'm never going to be able to fix it so just wanted to put the thought in your head in case anyone else wanted to take a whack at that, because I just fucking love the idea.


End file.
